It feels like I’ve been writing this post in my mind for quite some time now, though I don’t want to believe it. I keep replaying the same words over and over in my head… It goes like this “the kids are growing up and so am I.”
Since the early days of motherhood, when I was kissing baby cheeks over a hundred times a day, it felt as if I were missing each moment as it passed. And trying to hold onto the next before it slipped right through my fingers, again. I would tuck the kids into bed then go cry in my room imagining what life could possibly look like without round cheeks to kiss at night and little bodies to keep bundled up tightly between baby blankets and roughly kept animals. I would sit back and cry over these moments that hadn’t happened yet, in a way I believe, preparing myself for when the day actually came. I still do this.
And it’s so crazy how it all happens. One night you’re pulling your hair out from a day of meltdowns, uncleaned messes, lack of sleep and adult interaction… and the next you’re watching your kids become independent little beings. You move on from tummy time, to art time, quiet time, and play dates. Then comes school, social events and extracurricular activities. Time just keeps spinning faster and faster and you’re trying to place yourself in this world and in this role of motherhood. You catch your breath for a second and the first thing that comes out of your mouth is “who am I?”
I keep coming back to this fear that overtook me many times in the last 6 years. A fear only because it remains the biggest question of my life. The exhilarating feeling of loving your child. Loving them so deeply. Not truly knowing where that love ends… I ask myself this “what wouldn’t I do for them?” The answer is nothing. And it’s this fact that keeps me humbled in life because each step I take is because of two little beating hearts that call me mama. It seems I grow as they grow. And I become what they need me to become. And it’s all a funny beautiful mess to me because God knows who I need to be and He gave me these precious beings to love on and grow according to their needs. But if we are being honest, it’s a feeling that scares me for the fact that nothing is really in “comfort zone territory”.
And I know this whole motherhood journey can be scary at times. Sometimes it’s a technicolor wholesome family movie marathon and other times it can seem like a dark drama full of twists and unexpected turns. But one thing is certain, no matter how our little ones need us to grow, they always need us to aspire happiness. Just as wildflowers can’t grow in the dark, neither can we. We were made to fill our lives with love and light wherever we can. To go searching for ourselves with the intent to actually FIND ourselves and live our truth, whatever that means.
I write these words because my own life is changing so fast. My kids are growing up SO fast. And I am changing too. My thoughts, my actions, and yes even this little space here. It’s scary to jump in front of that thing you know you need to do. That thing to help you grow, especially when I’ve had all of you wonderful readers supporting me every step of the way. I fear that I may have less of an impact on some, because my kids aren’t as little and I can’t relate to mamas in those early stages anymore. But I know these thoughts to be nothing but lies. My heart says “go” and “I’m on to something good”. Good for me, good for the mother my kids need me to be, and yes even good for you reading this.
It is okay to step into new roles. It is okay to grow as your kids grow. And it is okay to admit that somethings are cherished memories. I cry as I write these words for sadness as I look back on the early years. Those little hands I took to toddler time at the fish hatchery. Those color matching activities I made for rainy day boredom. Reading look and find books with impatient and wiggly bodies on the couch. But I also cry because my heart is so grateful to be there for them. So grateful for what’s to come. I know it’s gonna be so good. I don’t know who I’ll turn out to be in the end, but I can bet she is someone wonderful who would do anything for those two hearts that will always call her mama.
Enjoy every moment mamas and embrace the ever changing journey you are on. You are turning into someone wonderful… and so are your kids.
X o X o ,
Amazing job Alyssa! I love reading about what’s going on in your heart. This is very authentic and a hard reality of being a mother. It’s something I never imagined I would feel. Thank you for reminding me we all face these feelings and seasons.
Thank you for reading my heart today Chanelle. Motherhood is a rainbow of emotions and some seasons may be hard to accept, but I believe in my heart that there is always something to look forward to and something to be grateful for <3.